Song of the Family Violence Researchers

(Tune: Song of the Salvation Army)

 The telephone rings and you leap from your meal
The voice on the phone has a friendly appeal
“I'm Dr. McWhorter from UCLA
How often did you beat your children today?”

The gruesome sleuths
Are on the loose
For clues and news
Of child abuse
They come like chum
To plumb for scum
They’re the family violence researchers

You go for a leisurely stroll in the mall
A woman says hi, as you pass by her stall
“I’m not selling sunglasses, tattoos or lids.
I just want to know, do you paddle your kids?”

You rush into class for your final exam
You've been up all night, there was so much to cram
“For 65 points now, please write a review
On 10 ways your parents were nasty to you.”

It's a bright Christmas morning all covered with snow
The church choir's singing, their voices all glow
“For bringing salvation, the Christ child be thanked.” 
Comes a shout from the pews: “Do you think He was spanked?”

That heart attack hits and you spiral toward death
The ambulance comes as you're gasping for breath
The medic runs over,  “My name’s Dr. Dave;
Do you hit your children when they misbehave.”

A space craft appears from the clouds overhead
The city folk gather in wonder and dread
A Martian flies down from his ship in the air
And hands out a new child abuse questionnaire.

They’re crawling like termites all over the place
In your homes, in your schools, in your hair, in your face.
Please stop all the hitting and hasten the day
These rude nosy buggers will all go away

The gruesome sleuths
Will then vamoose
Unloose a truce
On child abuse

Goodbyes to guys
Who rise to size
The cries of fries
When victimized…

Adieus to crews
With gruesome news
S’long family violence researchers